blank as a wall

tonight i struggle to write a poem just to flex my poetic muscles again, if there truly exists such a term.

i kept staring at the blank walls as blank as my thoughts. i kept turning my head towards the ceiling with the hope that a grand revelation would unfold from the heavens and play a cosmic movie before my wretched soul.

pause. stop. uhm, wretched mind?

nope, its too much of an exaggeration, even for my extravagant tastes. i have neither a wretched soul nor a wretched mind. yes, i am guilty of an occasional sin or two, but i don't think it would qualify me as being wretched, nuh-uh.

i could go on, blowing up things with grand words. but the point of the matter is, words seem to have left me. poetic words, that is; or the ability to construct them in such a way that the juxtaposition of said words would attain a much refined quality than just mere whining, the way this entry is turning out to be.

oh how i miss those days when i can just turn in a splendid imagery with just a flick of a wrist; the way royalty would order hordes of attendants to quivering submission to do their whims.

i miss writing poems. it seems that tonight, no massive amount of wrist-flicking would call my muse back; for she has wandered deep into the woods, it seems, in the years that i neglected her, and left me the ailing poet.

pokpok dance

i just bought a yoga mat that is currently the craze among yoga fanatics here in the metro. it's something like a welcome party to herald my return to all that bending and physical exertions i used to be so expert at. LOL.

like an eager novice, i followed the instruction as i rolled out the mat: wipe it first with a damp cloth, it said; and so i did. as i was doing it, i noticed that the surface has a seagrass design, and a strong chocolatey scent was emanating from it as i was doing so.

"sexy", i thought to myself. then an idea popped in my head.

why not play the good ole yoga music selection i use to play to accompany my practices? so i launched my itunes and proceeded to click on my yoga selection. but something nudged me to hitting the search button instead and soon after i was playing christina aguilera's "candyman" and started dancing wild and giddy like a showgirl circa 30's, complete with the blond 'do.

every beat, every shout, was reciprocated by an intense footwork, complete with the sex kitten projection--winking at an unseen audience and daring them to meet me at the dark alleyway at the back of the club after the dance. gentle you slut! hahaha!

midway in the dance, i stopped, sweating like hell and went to sit in front of theo (my laptop). fantasy and reality it seems nowadays, are two different things altogether. now i gotta go back to getting fit so i can finish at least one pokpok dance. LOL

i, zombie

what else is new? the sluggish feel of things surrounding me--people's movements, the slow trembling music (they don't play "trembling" music at starbucks, do they? trembling oldies, yes. but not the trembling trembly type thats just too trembly for convenience); even the the lights are a bit dimmer when you've been awake for more than 24 hours now (30 hours and 30 minutes, to be exact).

but its ok (i guess). i just happened to deliver the performance of my life, so far.

for one glorious hour, the stage was mine. i wasn't swallowed whole, like the fate of most in the class would most likely come to, given that our professor almost always would have a word or two to say about the details we chose to include (or not to include; but would later turn out to be that single lacking detail) in our respective reports. he's one hard-to-please dude. always looking for something not in the report; and announcing, for everyone to hear, things he would want to see included in the final written version. hows that for a shot of an ego-downer? lethal, i say. yes, he has that reputation. i am no stranger to his style; oh boy, how i know it so well. maybe that was why i was so determined to get it right this time, to show him what material i'm made of. i have balked in the past, like most did, in his presence. but not today.

today, we were equals--i was looking at him directly in the eyes, making my point. we were having a conversation in front of the class. and no one dared to make a point in the contrary.

and so i am like this, most fridays : a zombie, but i'm now adding a "happy" qualifier even for just one day. going home now to enjoy it while it lasts, haha!

good morning, pia guanio!

i woke up this morning sweating profusely.

i just had a nightmare of sorts; something i have not had for quite a long time. the nightmare had the intensity of a mike de leon film. think "itim" and the espiritista scene. this time it's a one on one between me and the ispiritista--a deglamorized pia guanio.

i can try to rationalize this a thousand times, but i won't. dreams are, by nature irrational and devoid of meaning. that's what scientific journals have been preaching for some time now. and so it will be. my truth.

some parts are a bit blurry in my mind now. but i can make out a lot of shaking, convulsions, and flickering eyelids; then a crumbling candle, like it's just been pulverized into chalk--light extinguished with a strong gust of wind.

trembling, i looked at pia guanio's eyes directly and asked her, "what is it, now?"

unflinchingly, she stared back in the dark, with only the light of the moon tracing her face and said, "it's the sins of the flesh".

and just like that, i woke up.

fuck. now i gotta lay off the porn.

hello.

in two months time, after all the sleepless nights and laborious pouring over countless references just to complete reports, i will already have finished the academic requirements to my masters course.

my life will be a little more gentler; a little more kind. i will have more time to devote to other things, besides reference books and websites that specialize in graft and corruption.

i can have more time with my mom and sister at the province. i can spend more quality time with dee; with "quality time" that means not just me reading and him, snoring or the other way around. hehehe. i can probably go back to doing yoga. i can probably do away with the stress-eating that's been eating up my system for months now.

the more i think of it, the more i'm getting excited. just 5 more weeks. hello change of pace.

hi.

i just noticed that there's a generic and clinical air to the way starbucks baristas say "hi" the moment you enter any starbucks branch--a prolonged breath while saying the word so as to put emphasis on the i in "hi"; almost like it's manufactured to the point of precision. like, precisely, how many clock-ticks is it supposed to last before halting with a flash of a smile and a twinkling in the eyes? do they have a patent on that, like in an invention?

oh, yup--this is technically my first post. but yeah, i've been around for quite a while. fleeting, fluttering.